A Conversation

“I talk to much.”

“Someone must tell them.”

“But they already know, I need not say anything.”

“They need a voice, something higher than themselves, calling to them.”

“They will not listen, I tell them only what they already know.”

“They need to be reminded, a whispering on the wind, calling them back to whence they came.”

“Their eyes glaze over with too much speech. Action is what they need.”

“Action they have been given. But even if that were not so, it is speech that prompts the action. Remind them of what it is they are here for.”

“They only wish for words that sweeten their ears, they do not wish for reality.”

“They have become too soft, that is why you must tell them.”

“Reality might make them realize the truth and then they would have to move to action and that is what they wish for least. ‘Danger is only real if it is dwelt upon and talked about.’ Or so that is what they say.”

“Tell them. Speak on even if no one appears to be listening. Plant the seed. Water it. Watch it grow.”

“They will not like it.”

“Tell them.”

“Ye shall know the truth and it shall make thee mad.”

“Tell them.”

I do not need anymore Truth Less Heroes!!!

I need Truth!!!!

I have seen a quote by Thomas Edison that is somewhere along the lines of "If we accomplished all that we are capable of, we would truly astound ourselves." So, it's not word for word, but it gets the gist of it.

I am going to just ramble about this one, I may actually not disagree with this saying but I'm just writing down thoughts/ponderings. Also as a preface, if I sound not-humble or whatever at some point in this, I'm not, or at least not meaning to be. I am just writing down my thoughts as I see them.

Would we really be all that astounded? I suppose it could be true. I know that some people have such a low self-esteem that they do not believe that they could do much worth while (a lie straight from the Deceiver so that you may accomplish nothing against him) and so when they do, they are truly astounded in what they have done. Therefore, I suppose Edison is right. But then it would assume that if he is always right then we as a whole, or at least in general, do not have a very good self image. That is a problem in today's America but that is a whole 'nother quagmire that I have no desire to get into.

As for myself, I do not see it that way.

You ever, even just for a second, get a glimpse of who you could be and perhaps are meant to be if you actually tried and followed the narrow path towards who you were meant to be? Did it scare you? Perhaps it did not scare you, but what was your feeling? For me, this has happened, and has happened perhaps more and more, or perhaps as I grow and learn I see and feel it more and more. I am a person that tends to just roll with things. Believe me, I'm not some sort of always cheerful guy that nothing eer bothers. Rather, quite from it. No, I do not explode or get angry quickly, but neither am I your "good 'ol boy" who just goes along with whatever life throws. It's not making any sense, I know, but hey, when did I ever make much sense in the first place, especially on this xanga?

I just have made a decision that, at least on the outside, I will remain a stoic. But on the inside, ah, the inside. My mind, my soul, inside, that is ever moving, roving over the pathways of thoughts, ever wandering (wondering) and pondering. My mind thinks and continues to think, I can't stop it sometimes. At times, if I am not sufficiently tired, I must listen to music while going to sleep so that I can fall asleep, otherwise my mind would go and go, never letting me sleep. My brother has said that this happens to him, perhpas it is a Bingaman thing....a Bingaman thing, there are many of those, if you wish to know more of these, ask Gretchen, she's marrying a Bingaman.

So, where were we? See? My mind just rambles. If you look down at other posts I have had, each one represents a time when I was finally able to take whatever had been sitting in my head and spill it onto "paper." Many thoughts, little cohesiveness.

Ah, but when the cohesiveness is there, when the Muse strikes it's mellifluous chord, that is when I can feel and see. It is then, friend, that I gain a sense of what it is I could become. Maybe it is over active imagination? Perhaps I think and believe to highly of myself? I try not to. But how are you to make sure? I believe that God has made me for something important, but then there are those that say everyone is made for something important and so of course I am made for something important. I am not convinced that they are neither wrong, nor right.

For though I can see why and from where they say that everyone has and does/contributes something important, it's like (let's get honest here folks, I say nothing in strict judgment, just laying it out here) saying "Well everyone's beautiful on the inside." It's a nice little cliché phrase that makes everyone feel good about themselves and leaves no one out. (reference my other site "drusagas" to see my head line, it's a quote directly from me that came while I was debating with Socrates the other day, “Perhaps we all need to stop thinking that we should all be nice people all the time,” there I said it, come what may).

Some people will say that they fear because they feel weakness inside them, as in they feel inadequate. May the LORD protect me from Narcissism (let me tell you about my Junior and Senior years in high school if you’d like to learn more about that) but I do not fear because I feel inadequate but because I feel power. “The kingdom of God is not about words but about Power.” Perhaps this is why I feel the way I do. I wish to become a writer and I desire to become a writer such as C.S. Lewis or J.R.R. Tolkein. Tolkein himself said that “There are two kinds of people in the world, those that have read Lord of the Rings and those that will.” He knew that his books would affect people. Just look at Lewis for a minute. I can think of no other contemporary writer that writes with such Lewisness as Clive does. I know, it’s cause he is Lewis but I mean, I know that there are other immensely influential Christian writers but I would hazard to guess that they would all bend the knee to C.S. Lewis as the master of contemporary Christian writings. I would.

But this is where my fear, power, and paranoia of narcissism come in. I wish to be just as influential as Lewis and Tolkein. To do the same if not more. I thought to perhaps to become a judge and from the judges seat, effect change. But then I reasoned that perhaps I would more effectively affect people as a writer. I was/am a writer of some mean skill but I desire to do more and I believe that I have seen and felt that no matter what path is chosen and what course I take (be it in God’s best Will for me *wahoo, another touchy subject*) I will be great. I do ask, friend, that if I do not, do not hold it against me and label me as just another college student with a big head and wild ideas.

Recently, when talking to my pastor about what would be the best time to get married, (I am currently a freshman in college getting married this summer, whoop) he said that no matter what I chose, or rather, what I and my fiancé chose, whether it be now, next year, or three or more years from now, we will be just fine. We have since decided to be married now, as in, July 16^th. He just told me, and I had already felt this from God, that it would just be determined on how hard we were willing to work for it. I believe that this is to be in the same strain as what I feel for my future as a writer. I believe that no matter what I write about and do, I will do well, as long as I work for it and stay within the path set for me by God. (Yes friends, it is possible to stray from the path set out for you by God, for the path originally set out for us all was the straight and narrow but behold, wide is the path that leads to destruction and many are those who travel upon it. (*Emerson’s Translation*)

If you have read through all of this, for that I thank you, for those of you that reply, I thank you even more. I know, it’s long, not the average xanga post, but then again, I am not you average person. (“But isn’t everyone not average? “ say the voices of compromise) (I just tell them to go away, I’m trying to remain intelligent).

May peace abound but if peace not be found on this side of war, let us by all means strap on our armor, commend ourselves to God and fight with a fervor worthy of remembrance.